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The Story

After it ended I wrote out our story. I have it saved. The beginning and the end. I didn't have the heart to write it all. I still can't read it without crying. I know we've both moved on, but there is something to be said about first love, your great love. The love you always thought would come back. I don't think I'll ever show you our story, not unless you ask. You look so happy, it's no longer my smile, but her's. I lost my right to it long ago. I wish that at some point I had had the courage to tell you everything I had wanted. My only regret is you. I think I also know it was never supposed to be you. I'm finally just now grieving the loss. Be happy. Be at peace.

Those are for me as much as they are for you.

Welcome Back

One week and four days ago a returned from dreamtime. I spent four months in heaven while I ignored something I should have held on to. I have this way of ruining something when I get scared it may go wrong, so I have to be the one to ruin it. As much as we blame jet lag, returning home just returned the state of mind left behind. It reminded me of my mistakes and my screw ups. Now I'm trying not to repeat them as I repair them. The same time I cannot stand to see another name there, there was a permanent mark that should have been there.

You were the only one I ever wanted to say "To death do I part" to. Even now. All that matters now if that you are happy and that the name makes you happy. It's all I can ask for now, and nothing more.

Everything at Once

I leave for Australia for 6 months in about two weeks. I would give that up and so much more to fix what I have done to screw up the one thing I want in life. I've been dealing with some major depression and didn't realize it until it had taken a huge toll on me and now I feel like I'm scrambling to get that together, but more importantly repair the damage I did to my relationship with Jacob. I don't know why I did it, why I broke up with him. I never had a reason, or at least a good one, but I think I was just at a point to do anything I could to feel again, even if it felt like hell. It didn't work and now I'm left in the ruins, I guess. I think he's in a good place right now, working at a camp and making plans for the upcoming school year. I'm just trying to figure out if he wants me to try and fix what I did, like I want to, or if he wants what he has right now, which is something uncomplicated. It sort of feels like I'm leading myself on, in a way. I'd rather not go and just fix my life, instead I feel pressured from so many places to just keep pushing forward. I wish I knew where he wanted the line, but I don;t think he knows either, or he just doesn't want to make things harder for me. I wish I could to put to words what is going on inside my head. I wish I could stop crying.

I'm also glad that no one reads this or uses this anymore. I just don't know where to vent and where and how to fall apart.


My neighbor likes to start playing his bass around 5:30. He also likes to carry on to around 1 in the morning, if I'm lucky. I especially like it when he has jam sessions with friends late at night when classes are in the morning. He's lucky tomorrow is Saturday and that I too lazy to say anything.

Shooting Stars

I like how every time you see one shoot by, it reminds you that you can breathe and that you are alive. An automatic smile spreads across the face. It also makes me miss sitting around the campfire as it burns down, all three of us close, talking while watching in the middle of nowhere. It makes me miss The Wilds even more. I'll be back.


I'm here. I love the independence! I chose when to sleep, eat, who to hang out with. I have my own life. Well, if it's called a life, I'm not that social. I watched some TV with some dorm mates today, and we had fun.

Classes are great! My Making of Africa is a 6 credit course, but the most fun one, I'm learning a lot and can tell where many misconceptions are formed. Trig is fine, I took Calc last year, so it's a lot of review so far. Archery is fun and slightly painful, at least before the extra long arm guard. It blows off a lot of steam. Then bio comes in. I love my instructor, actually I have great instructors. But boi lab is kinda sucky. Meh, life goes on.

Hows life?

I'm happy. For many reasons.
So when is eveyone's open houses? I'd really like to come if I could. Plus, what time is Marshall's graduation? I plan to make it to that as well...

And I suck at bowling.


Oh. My. Gosh. Next Saturday I will be on a plane to the Dominican Republic. I still have to pack, collect my sanity, and not freak out. I think it will be amazing. We're helping stock to med clinics and helping treat a few hundred patients. We're also roofing a small church. And we get to go snorkeling. I hope we get to play with kids. I beleieve we will also meet with and possibly build a shelter for Hatian refuges in the jungle. I'm so bloody nervous and excited.

BTW, I got SPF 50


Today was amazing. Just plain amazing. I have yet to explore the thesurus and find a better word, for it was amazing. Soccer pratice was fun. I just wish I were better at goalie/keeper. After practice the day got so much better. It hit its peak in the early afternoon after which I went home and took a nap. Yes, I know that the details are vague, but get over it. It has been a few years since I was on a four wheeler. I love four wheeling. Today was just amazing. I can't think of it and not smile. Thank you.

I don't mean to sound morbid...

But i was thinking this past week or so that I honestly never thought that I would live this long. It's confusing, but I never could see it or comprehend it. Especially when I started getting sick and worse, I just never saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Now that I'm entering it, I'm actually happy. Funny how things seem to work their way out of the most hellish places.

On a lighter note, our first soccer game is tomorrow! Yah! I just hope I don't screw up! Fun!

How is everyone? Any big plans for Spring Break?


jars of clay
Love Hope

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July 2011


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