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Everything at Once

I leave for Australia for 6 months in about two weeks. I would give that up and so much more to fix what I have done to screw up the one thing I want in life. I've been dealing with some major depression and didn't realize it until it had taken a huge toll on me and now I feel like I'm scrambling to get that together, but more importantly repair the damage I did to my relationship with Jacob. I don't know why I did it, why I broke up with him. I never had a reason, or at least a good one, but I think I was just at a point to do anything I could to feel again, even if it felt like hell. It didn't work and now I'm left in the ruins, I guess. I think he's in a good place right now, working at a camp and making plans for the upcoming school year. I'm just trying to figure out if he wants me to try and fix what I did, like I want to, or if he wants what he has right now, which is something uncomplicated. It sort of feels like I'm leading myself on, in a way. I'd rather not go and just fix my life, instead I feel pressured from so many places to just keep pushing forward. I wish I knew where he wanted the line, but I don;t think he knows either, or he just doesn't want to make things harder for me. I wish I could to put to words what is going on inside my head. I wish I could stop crying.

I'm also glad that no one reads this or uses this anymore. I just don't know where to vent and where and how to fall apart.


jars of clay
Love Hope

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July 2011
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